Tuesday, May 30, 2006

access denied, you fugly mutha-effa

As I mentioned earlier, I'm looking to maybe hire someone to do some web design work for me. As such, people have been sending me resume after resume and link upon link to try and get the gig. Typos and broken links aside, this also means that I've been checking out a whole mess of web sites that I've never seen before.

Largely, they're all boring. Lots of financial institution sites and technology companies with stupid names like Mobifusion and SoftMediaNet (lame). However, there have been a few gems hidden amongst the crap.

And so I thought I'd share my favorite so far. I present to you VanityDate.com. Now, before we dive in here, I just wanted to say that the site's design and coding is fine. That's not what flummoxed me. Instead, it's the sheer concept of this thing that amazes me.

Vanity Date is a site where pretty people, and only pretty people, can search and look for other pretty people. The site sums it up like this:

- be of legal copulation age (18)
- imposters will be hunted down
- be good looking or you will be rejected

Awesome. Apparently the pretty people are so worried about someone average or - perish the thought - ugly infecting their gene pool with impostors that they're mobilizing against them. Spelling doesn't seem to be much of an important quality, though, because "impostors" is misspelled on their front page and I doubt anyone who's a member even knows. Essentially, the site should really just be called VapidCoatHangers.com since everyone here is solely focused on looks and just seems to spend all day posing in different clothing.

The funniest thing of all about this site to me are the fields available on the Detailed Search Page. They seem to go from Normal Dating Site levels of shallow interest to pioneering new levels of Los Angeles-Centric Dating Site levels of shallow nuttiness. Age range? Normal. Shoe size? A little crazier. Type of Car? DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! New levels of crazy self-involvement.


Seriously, you can simply search for people who drive Audis. How retarded is that? If ever there was a solid criteria for the basis of a healthy and long lasting relationship, it's the "Type of Car" field on VanityDate.com. Or Shoe Size. That's pretty effing crazy, too.

I was trying to figure out who is more shallow and pathetic and - not surprisingly - it turns out it's guys by a fairly large margin. There are 547 pretty women looking for pretty men, while there are a staggering 756 pretty men looking for pretty women. Unfortunately, I don't have the numbers on gay men or gay women because the site's futuristic browser-based facial recognition software must have detected that I was looking at the site and now I get a network error every time I try to access it.

So, try and check it out if you can, for as long as you can. I guess if you get to see it longer than I did you know where you stand on the VanityDate.com hotness scale. Personally, I'm going to go mull over whether I should go buy an Audi or not in order to make my relationship stronger.

I don't think it'll take that long to figure it out.


EmoRiot said...

Here's what I love about vanitydate.com

1.) THIS GUY passes the high standards of their site...to the point that he's in the top 20!!
2.) The list of car choices inlcudes only about 20 luxury cars. What if I'm hot and I want someone who drives a hybrid? No dice.

I have to say, when you list yourself on vanitydate.com you are making an audacious claim about your own beauty and most of the pictures on there don't cut the mustard to me. AND when you post on vanitydate.com you CANNOT pull the usual dating site trick of taking deceiving photos. No shots from above which let you reduce your double-chins. No holding things up to your face to conceal yourself. No letting your hair fall in front. No cropped shots which only show half of your clearly sausage-shaped flabby arms.

I say no. If you're going to post on vanitydate.com and view your potential mates with such superficial judgement, you must, at the very least, look hot enough to post there. Then you can be totally vapid and miserable together with your guy or girl who was lucky enough to drive your car of choice.

Bug said...

I agree with every word you said. This site amazes me. And let's not forget shoe size. Have you ever - EVER! - thought to yourself "What I'm really looking for in someone is a life partner who wears a size 9?"

Totally freakin' insane.

Bug said...

By the way, how the hell did "Geo" get on the list of cars but not "Saturn" or even "Scion?" Geos suck.

EmoRiot said...

bug said: "Have you ever - EVER! - thought to yourself 'What I'm really looking for in someone is a life partner who wears a size 9?'"

What if you've recently divorced and your spouse got the house, the kids, the car, the time-share, and the collection of neo-classical realist paintings... but you got the spouse's shoe collection? What better way to make lemonade from that pile of lemons than to find another partner with the same shoe size?!?

Plus, your potential match will love that you give them a new pair of shoes every week as a gift because, after all, they're vain.

As for the Geo, I honestly think that's a dig at the poor and uncool. Like, for fun you could choose **GASP** to search for a GEO driver. As if!

(I've never been so proud to be a former Geo driver)

ceymick said...

I could care less about shoe sizes, but I can think of at least two situations where shoe sizes could matter, that are both right on point with the superficiality of this site. First, if you're gay/lesbian, maybe you want to instantly double your shoe collection. Second, if you're a chick and buy into "the size of a man's shoe indicates the size of his hoo-hoo," that might be an important factor for you as well.

And Emo - car choices don't include hyrids because the superficially hot don't drive those non-gas guzzlers. Why you think I have my Audi (which I'll thank you to notice is most certainly included on the list)?

Bug said...

Yeah, Beat-Up Camero is not on the list. But I do like both of your ideas regarding shoe size.

I suppose those superficial twits are actually rather practical after all.