who knew gardening was so badass?

A million years ago, when I was still regularly updating my blog, Amanda and I happened to stop by a hardware store. We were there to pick up some kind of fertilizer for roses, a gift for her mom who is really into horticulture. The questionable nature of giving someone a bag of crap as a gift aside, I found myself standing in the fertilizer aisle and completely amazed by how badass fertilizer actually is.

I tend to think of flowers in two ways. Either like this:


or like this:


Snooze. Not my thing. Apparently, though, I was dead wrong about how wild and crazy flowers can be. There I was in the fertilizer aisle when I realized I was staring down a shelf full of this stuff:



Bone meal? As in, plants are eating bones? I figured it had to be some kind of horticulture thing I didn't understand where "bone" actually means "cow poop." That was, until I saw the next shelf.



That's some badass cow-poop-in-a-bag, right there. I was feeling like I'd found the pinnacle of fertilizer here with these bags of vampiric demonweed food. Lucky for me, there was another shelf.



Dolomite lime? That shit will eff up your weeds. I don't know what "prilled" means, but it's probably a synonym for no-business, born-insecure muthafucka.